What is it?
No sexual intercourse of any kind.
How does it work?
Abstinence prevents sexual contact and exchange of body fluids between partners.
When can you use it?
Abstinence can be used by individuals or couples who feel they have the ability to refrain from sexual intercourse. It can be an appropriate method, especially for young people, but they need to learn negotiating skills to effectively use abstinence and obtain information about contraceptive methods for the future.
Abstaining from intercourse can be a decision to delay intercourse (until the individual feels ready, until effective contraception has been achieved, or until partners are tested for sexually transmitted infections).
It can also be used or returned to at any time in life. A couple may also decide not to have sexual intercourse on a specific occasion, for example, if they don’t have a condom.
Advantages
• Excellent protection against pregnancy and STI if used consistently
• Requires no purchase and can be used anytime
• Endorsed by many religions and cultures (especially for young people)
• No physical side effects
Disadvantages
• Requires commitment and self-control by both partners
• Social pressure to engage in intercourse
• Lack of support from partner can make it difficult
• Many people fail to use other method of protection when abstinence ends
What does it protect against?
If used correctly and consistently, abstinence is almost 100% effective against pregnancy.
It is also highly effective protection against STI and sexual transmission of HIV (if abstaining from all sexual practices).
Abstinence troubleshooting
What do I do if…
What do I do if I don’t want to have sex but my partner does?
Have a conversation with your partner and explain your reasons for wanting to be abstinent. Listen to what your partner has to say and together try to see if you can come to an agreement that will satisfy your values and feelings.
Having sex is an important decision and if you feel that you are not ready, then you should not have sex until you are. Remember that you are not alone; many young people decide not to have sex until they are older.
What do I do if I have had sex before, but I don’t really want to be sexually active right now?
It is absolutely fine to be abstinent for a period of time, even if you have had sex in the past. Having or not having sex is your decision and you can change your mind at any point in your life. You may want to talk to your partner about your decision to make sure that he or she understands and respects your choice.
Am I still abstinent if I have oral sex?
The definition of abstinence varies depending on who you ask. Some people think that being abstinent refers only to not having vaginal intercourse. In this guide, abstinence is defined as refraining from any type of sexual intercourse, including vaginal, anal and oral intercourse.
The main reason for this definition is that even though a pregnancy can only occur when semen enters the vagina, other forms of sexual intercourse also carry risks of STI transmission.
If you are having oral sex, then it is a good idea to be informed about the risks involved and you may want to consider using some form of protection against STIs. Otherwise, there are also many things you and your partner can do together that are less risky. There are even things that are pleasurable sexually that are quite safe, including body rubbing and mutual masturbation.
I have been abstinent for some time, but now I feel that I am ready to have sex. Is this okay?
Most people will become sexually active at some point in their lives. Becoming sexually active is a decision that you make for yourself. This should not be a pressured decision, but one that fits in with your values and feelings. If you decide to have sex, make sure that you are well-informed and prepared so that you can protect yourself from possible negative consequences, including an unwanted pregnancy and HIV/STIs.
Obtaining it
Abstinence requires no purchase or medical visit. It only requires a committed decision from both partners.
Staying abstinent
The more difficult aspect of abstinence is sticking with it. Women and men need to be clear about their reasons and values to stay abstinent. When you are in a sexual situation, it helps to be able to remember why you made the decision to be abstinent in the first place.
Think about your answers to these questions:
• Am I aware of situations that could make staying abstinent difficult for me? Can I avoid them?
• I know alcohol and other drugs can affect my judgment and decision-making ability. How do I feel about not using them?
• Are there people in my life I can talk to about my decision to abstain from sex? Will they be supportive?
Abstinence can be difficult for some people, especially in a sexual situation.
• Remind yourself why you chose to be abstinent.
• Think about the consequences
• Don’t re-evaluate your decision to stay abstinent during sexual situations – stick with your decision until you can think about it with a clear head.
Most people stop being abstinent at some point in their lives. When you decide not to be abstinent, ask yourself:
• Do I have information about and access to other methods of contraception?
• Do I know how to protect myself from infection?
Taken from: Is abstinence right for you now? (2000).
Planned Parenthood Federation of America.
Negotiating use
The key to remaining abstinent is partner communication and respect. If one of the partners does not agree with abstaining from sexual relations, then it is more likely that abstinence will not be constant and consistent.
Take the time to consider fully what being abstinent means for you, so that you are aware of what you are thinking, feeling and what you need.
Talk to your partner about how you feel and be straightforward about the limits you want to set. It’s best to talk about it before things get sexual.
Many people find it hard to be clear about what they want when they are aroused. Try to think ahead of time how you can say ‘no’ to sexual activity. Consider how a partner might respond to certain behaviours or words you will tell him or her.
Attitudes and values
Gender issues
Across different societies and cultures, there is often a double standard for young people that puts pressure on young women to be abstinent, but that expects young men to have multiple sexual partners.
Discuss with students whether they feel this is true in their society. Have them discuss whether they agree with this double standard and how it can put pressure on both young women and young men to adopt certain sexual behaviours or to feel ashamed of acting a certain way.
Responsibility
Abstinence requires the participation of both partners. It must be a shared responsibility and commitment between two people
Abstinence and pleasure
Abstinence limits sexual pleasure, but it can enhance it by removing the fear of pregnancy and or STIs/HIV and by encouraging alternate expressions of sexuality and intimacy.